Job Chapter 3

20 Wherefore is ^alight given to him that is in ^bmisery, and life unto the bitter in soul;

21 Which long for ^adeath, but it cometh not; and dig for it more than for hid treasures;

22 Which rejoice exceedingly, and are glad, when they can find the grave?

23 Why is light given to a man whose way is hid, and whom God hath hedged in?

24 For my sighing cometh before I eat, and my roarings are poured out like the waters.

25 For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me.

26 I was not in safety, neither had I rest, neither was I quiet; yet trouble came.

It has been a dark week.  It seems that so much of the work I have done in a year and a half of therapy has been destroyed.  Like building sand castles in the surf, a wave has washed everything away. I despair that I will ever find joy and peace in my heart again.

I’ve been writing a lot, although I have put little of it on my blog.  I am working on a very raw and vulnerable piece about my family of origin called, “Becoming Eva.”  I have a little more editing to do before I’m ready to put it out there.

Our family of origin consciously and subconsciously builds our value system. In stepping away from the dysfunctional value system I was raised in, I am freeing myself from the cage of their expectations.  Naturally my parents don’t like that and that’s understandable. My counselor said last week that we would be working to construct an emotional wall to protect me from my parents. I wish we didn’t have to, but like I tell my boys, sometimes you have to do hard things that you don’t want to do.

I don’t know what that wall will look like.  I’m also not sure what my relationship with my church will look like.  My church often reinforces unhelpful messages about families and forgiveness that make what seems impossibly hard ironically so much harder.  The truth is, my journey to improve my emotional health is essential to my family, especially my children, and my healing path to forgiveness and peace will be long and complicated.  Though many may judge and criticize my decisions, I know I am doing the right thing. No one wishes it was prettier or easier more than I do, but reality is messy and hard.

Raw.  My emotional skin has been flayed and I’ve had to be so careful about who I see and spend time with.  Even good friends hurt my feelings. Distracted. My kids have to shout at me sometimes to get me to wake up from my thoughts which swarm like carrion birds around the drama in my head.  Dark. There is no light, no hope, no peace in my heart. Images of war, displacement, and the blood of our allies burns into my psyche. I can’t look away. My representative did this. The man who leads my country did this.  The lives lost cannot be brought back and their blood cries from the ground against the ones who betrayed them.  

There is still much that can be done.  I have been watching the situation closely and messaging, emailing, and calling my representatives.  My prayers and tears ascend to my Savior as I plead for the lives of those I see as my friends. I am trying to get my sorrow and my anger to propel me to righteous action.  

Introspection is hard.  I know I have sinned. In the weakness of my mortal mind, I have hurt those I love.  I wish I were a better person, but that is my pride. I am who I am and my weaknesses lead me to come to the Savior for forgiveness and direction.  My weakness are part of His design and He leads me along the path of my recovery.

How great and how merciful is our God?  How wide are the shoulders of Him who bareth my burdens?  How much love and compassion reside in His bottomless heart for me, a sinner?  Even in my sorrow, I find solace in Him. He binds up my broken heart and shows me the next step on my path.  The pain is real, but so is the cure.