The spirit was electric in sacrament meeting today. The theme was charity and I felt my heart swell with it as I sang the songs and listened to the sister missionaries give their talks. Refrain from judgment. Take the time to nurture others by really understanding them and their needs. Have more faith! Let God work miracles through you. Bring his sheep to Him!
The spirit works on me in interesting ways in this stage of life. In sacrament meeting one moment, I am singing, the next Austin pulls my face away to look at something or knocks the hymnal from my hand. One moment I am making connections and feeling inspired, then I am pulling a device away from an older child. It is fragmented and frustrating and sometimes I wonder why I bother to come at all. Then today as I wrestled my grumpy baby, Devin turned to me and said, “Can I take him out for you Mom?” So my big thirteen year old carried my baby out for ten minutes to get his wiggles out. As I watched them go I thought of how blessed I am to have these children in my life. It is worth it to bring them and teach them to listen, to teach, and to serve.
The Lord has blessed me so richly these last few months. I have seen his hand in so many ways. I still have depression and anxiety. I am still finding myself and exploring my purpose on the Earth and how best to follow my Lord. I have acted with courage these past months. I have become comfortable with being uncomfortable online. That openness has bled over to my personal relationships in the real world. As I looked around the chapel today I saw many friends that I know on a deeper level now. Because I took off my protective armor, because I have dared to be real and vulnerable, I have found a deeper intimacy with those around me. Giving myself permission to live and feel without fear has made everything in my life better.
Now I am starting to feel comfortable with my life. What took courage and effort before isn’t so difficult. That means it is time to reach a little higher. I have so much desire to bless others and alleviate suffering. There are people the Lord has for me to bless this year and I’m going to find them. I refuse to listen to the fear and doubts that hold me back. I have been spinning my wheels for long enough, and now it is time for me to act and let the miracles start!
First, I want to adopt some grandparents. We have a couple of assisted living centers close by and my boys might be a real blessing to some lonely people we can visit a couple of times a month. One of the biggest flaw I see in our society is our lack of connection between the generations. Children and the elderly need one another, especially in a world where paychecks too often define the value of a human being.
Second, I want to mentor a refugee family. I haven’t been involved with the Refugees of North Texas for a few years. The election of Donald Trump and the rise in xenophobia among my friends and family has discouraged me. I have allowed despair to prevent me from acting in faith in behalf of the suffering, but no more.
Third, I plan to become more involved with politics. I’m not sure exactly what that will look like, but probably attending town halls and actively campaigning for candidates advocating changes to the trend of political polarization whatever party they belong to.
After I wrote this I started having panic problems. I have a hard time trying to run faster than I have strength…..I don’t need to rush right back into my depression! Maybe for now, I can just be comfortable. At least for another day…..
My spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak. My heart is bigger than my body can support sometimes. Through the mercy of my Lord and Savior, my poor efforts will be enough. Blessed be the name of the Lord!