I decided to share my last post to Facebook. I got over thee hundred views. I was hopeful that my insights and testimony would be appreciated. They were for the most part. Except for one person.
I took my featured image off of a public Facebook post. I couldn’t remember where I got it. I shared the post to our tour group page and mentioned that if anyone wanted credit for their image to let me know.
A girl commented that the sunset photo I had featured was hers. Throughout the evening she was very critical of me and demanded that I take the photo down. She was upset that I had misspelled her name. Later she denigrated my experience on Saturday night. “You slept through the whole thing.”
I cried for an hour. I couldn’t sleep last night. I tried to focus on the positive feedback and interactions I had with others on Facebook, but the experience hit a trigger for me. My blog is poison. It hurts people. I express myself and I do it “wrong.” I should just keep my writing to myself, hide my authentic self behind a mask, or better yet, a concrete wall. I’m a fool to think that my perspective and my willingness to share with vulnerability will lead to anything but pain.
I’ve also become increasingly discouraged with my ward relief society. They seem incapable of directly confronting the problems they have created, preferring to ignore them and plow forward making the same mistakes. I can forgive them, but I can’t change them or make them safe for me.
It sucks living in a fallen world! My sensitive nature makes me ill-equipped to handle the bumps and bruises here. I guess the Savior didn’t fit here either. Why should I expect that I would if I tried to follow him?
The world loves their own. If I was of the world they would love me. I would fit and be comfortable here. The fact that I don’t fit means that it isn’t where I belong. I belong with Him.
He judges me by my heart and he knows the secret thoughts of all. He knows all the sins of those who put on a pious show. He sees into the dark places. In him my soul shall find needed rest.
I ask Him, show me my sin! Show me my sin that I should repent. He says, “Your heart is pure before me and I will take thine adversity and count it to thy favor. Fools mock, but they shall mourn. In that day they shall not have comfort for they gave none.”