I always know when trouble is brewing from my stats. Usually there are ten to twenty views on my posts. An ominous notification popped up on my phone. “You’re stats are booming!” One of my posts has had over a hundred views. It seems like good news at first, but it really isn’t.
Because so many people only read my blog when something big or controversial has happened, they don’t understand what’s going on. They see a snapshot of me in my recovery that gives them a distorted image; a caricature. I talked to my counselor last night and I read, “Being Eva” to her as tears streamed down my face. She loved it. She thought it was powerful and beautiful. But she warned me not to post it yet. Looking at my stats, I can see her concern.
“Being Eva” is my story, but not everyone is going to understand. There will be a lot of angry family members who disagree and they’ll want to heap judgment and condemnation on me for their feelings about my choice to share my story. I’m not at a place where I can handle all that hostility. Not yet.
For now I need to get stronger and feel better. I’ll continue to post the same boring stuff. I’ll get ten to twenty views and that’s fine with me. I’d rather have a few good friends who understand and respect me than high numbers of clicks. If you are here reading this because you are concerned about me, don’t worry about me. I’m under competent care and I’m going to be okay, but there are many who suffer and don’t have care and support. They are the ones we need to worry about. I encourage you to learn all you can about mental health. There is so much that we can learn about how to improve our own mental health and help others as they improve theirs.
For those who pray for me, thank you. Sometimes prayers are needed, and sometimes the Lord wants us to do something more. Sometimes instead of praying for Him to fix things, we need to know what he wants US to do to fix things. As we seek to do His will, we can and will heal. Help me be a part of the solution; sometimes on our knees, and sometimes speaking out, and sometimes learning from mental health professionals.