The hum of the motor, the shift of the grain. It shrinks until its gone and in it’s place, the powdery staff of life. A little water, a little flour, some salt, and some leven and you have Bread. The smell of yeasty, buttery, homemade goodness defines comfort food. There is nothing like it. Maybe that’s why so many of us have taken up the hobby of bread baking during the quarantine.
I’ve been experimenting with different kinds of breads and sourdough starters. There have been some successes and some learning experiences. Sometimes the ingredients don’t go together right. Sometimes the harder you try, the more you realize that things aren’t working. You’re not sure what happened or what went wrong, but you can’t fix it. It’s time to let go.
Let go of the past and what didn’t work. Clean off your hands and get ready to start new. New ingredients, new methods, new recipe; a clean start. If you keep trying to fix it, keep trying to control it, keep thinking that if you just add a little more of something, it will come together, you waste your time and resources.
When you figure out that you’ve been gaslighted and that you’ve been gaslighted for your whole life by someone who was supposed to love and nurture you, that hurts a lot. And going back to that relationship is just going to give you more of the same. And you know it, but you can’t stop yourself from going back. I think, “This time, she’ll see that I’m not to blame. She’ll see that I’m trying so hard. She’ll see that I deserve to be loved and praised not blamed again.”
But I am blamed again. And I will be blamed again. Because that’s how it has to work. It works for them. And that’s the problem. Because the same people are blamed and the same people are given a pass. And they like it that way. You can call it abuse, you can call it sexism, you can call it codependency, but one thing I know– I don’t want it.
I have Him, and its enough. Letting go feels so alien. It feels like coming out of a cave into blinding sunlight. Like a chick leaving an egg, once you take that step, once you leave that comforting place, you can never go back.
But I’m ready to make that step. I’m ready to let go of the past and embrace the future. I don’t owe them anything. I’m not going to be their scapegoat anymore. I have a right to live with respect for myself and the path I’ve taken, the things I’ve learned, and the person I’ve become. I’m not the person they wish I was, but I’m who I want to be. I’m who He wants me to be.
Why did they think they could control me forever? Why did they think their manipulations would work? Didn’t they see that it would end someday? Either with my death or with me walking away at last? It was inevitable. Some relationships were meant to die and keeping them alive in a torturous zombie existence doesn’t fix anything.
So I’m letting go. I’m letting go of the need to change them. I don’t need to please them. I don’t need their approval or their love. It hurts to grow up and leave them behind, but it has to be. There is no other path forward.