Author: Broken Handmaid of the Lord

The President was impeached along party lines yesterday.  As hour after hour of impeachment debates droned on yesterday, my mental and emotional strength was sapped.  My sons sensed that I was not doing well. My older boys seemed curious to know what was going on and what the representatives were saying.  I did my best to try to explain the complex realities of this current political moment. The younger ones just knew that Mom was on the edge.  They fought and pestered and ignored my pleas. The dog seemed in on it as well. Austin and Pepper chased and pushed and snarled at one another to find a place in my lap where they felt they both got their fair share of me.

Ben and I took a trip to Las Vegas for five days. It was glorious to get away, but since I have been home, I have been trying to make up for lost time getting ready for Christmas. All I have managed to do is rearrange the clutter, do some planning, and reset my circadian rhythm. The house is a mess, the chores were piling up, and the boys were all obliviously engaged in screens despite my repeated threats and pleadings. It all came to a head last night when Ben came home late from work.

Finally, I erupted.  I told them if they didn’t stop disrespecting me, Santa was going to take back their Switch.  Up until yesterday I had been very vague about whether or not Santa had any intention of getting them their much wished for toy.  Hopefully my threat scared them straight or it might be a very long holiday.  

Wesley’s tenth birthday is in two days.  He wants a Picachu/Beyblade cake and a friend birthday party.  And I haven’t wrapped a single gift yet for the birthday party or Christmas.  Not a single one! Most of the gifts are still in their Amazon boxes, not even opened.  The thought of how much work I have to do strikes panic into my heart. There are six days until Christmas!  

Also, I am going to sing a solo in sacrament meeting for the ward Christmas program.  That was a last minute decision adding a scoop of stress to an already mountainous cone of peril.  Thankfully with the impeachment over, the news cycle should calm down a bit and my anxiety for my beloved country should ease.

At moments like this, my brain tends to focus on the worst aspects of this moment.  The lies, the gaslighting, the betrayal of values, the self-serving flattery of the President by his party loyalists overwhelm me in a sea of sadness and cynpicism.  I have been trying to focus instead on the moments of beauty and courage. Justin Amash gave a stirring and compelling speech. His courage to take his place as a lonely truth teller as the House’s only independent was moving.  Amash’s speech seemed to inspire and add to the luster of Steny H. Hoyer’s closing remarks.  I have seldom felt so moved by a speech.  After 38 years of service, Representative Hoyer’s words had the ring of gravitas.  He avoided hyperbole. He stayed laser focused on the relevant issues. He quoted John Locke, which shows a deep understanding not just of our nation’s founders, but also the political philosophers whom they studied.  If men like him are characteristic of the Democratic Party, sign me up! Steny H. Hoyer is now a member of the motley and diverse collection of new heroes I have found in this difficult and divisive time.

When Speaker Pelosi invoked the words of Elijah Cummings I was moved.  I thought of him dancing with the angels, maybe to an old African spiritual.  I imagined him hoping, as I do, that we can see our way forward to a better America with leaders who inspire and unite us.  Leaders like Amash, Hoyer, Dingell, and Cummings.  

Well, the boys are starting to stir.  Setting the expectations and the schedule early will be key to keeping the trains running on time for the next couple of weeks.  Wish me luck!!

Today the President of the United States is likely to be impeached.  I had hoped that through this process, public opinion would unify and that a large majority of Americans would agree that a Mike Pence Presidency would be better to heal a weak and divided America.  I had hoped that, especially in the Senate, that Republicans would do the right thing. My disappointment at the recent comments from Lindsey Graham and Mitch McConnell is overwhelming. Every day I read tweets from John Cornyn, my senator, and can’t believe he is the same man I voted for six years ago.  It seems surreal that his words could be so at odds with the facts. The speeches by Republicans in the House today were so jarring, I couldn’t listen to some of them. To hear my concerns and fears dismissed and minimized and attributed to some moral failing or political machinations was hurtful and confusing.

Narratives.  They are everywhere.  We all have selective memories.  We all assemble those memories into narratives that make sense of our world.  My parents had a narrative for me. I had an ideal childhood. My parents loved me more than anything.  I grew up in the church which made me important and special. Because of all that I had received, I was obligated to live a perfect life and make them proud.  I was supposed to put myself last, serve my husband and children, and put all concerns about myself and my life aside. I was supposed to raise my children the way I was raised.

And then depression happened.  And then Ben’s dad happened. And then counselling happened.  My narrative shattered. I had to accept the reality; that my childhood was far from perfect and that the mental and emotional burdens of past generations had been set upon my shoulders.  It wasn’t right and it wasn’t fair. I was angry at the extra work I had to do to try to resolve problems I didn’t create and didn’t deserve. The harder I tried to progress in my recovery, the more my relatives and friends fought to instill their narrative back into my mind.  Rather than applaud my efforts to bless their grandchildren with a healthier life, instead I was pathologized and patronized. My memories and my pain were minimized or attributed to a moral or mental deficiency.  The mental health professionals I trusted in were looked down on and even blamed.

In the midst of all this turmoil, the Republican party was overtaken by Trump.  I had always believed that the Republican party was good. We were the guardians of the constitution and conservative values.  We were the protectors of the world order and the spread of freedom around the world. In a few short years, that narrative was dashed.  Just like my family narrative, I was forced to accept the reality that much of what I had believed was true, was not.

Now I accept that I was raised by fallen parents who loved me, but hurt me.  The ideal childhood that they remember giving me, is their reality. Not mine.  There is a lot of pain there for me. They hurt me. That doesn’t mean they were or are bad people.  They were loved and hurt by their parents and step parents and caregivers. If the truth were known, my parent’s parents were likely also loved and hurt by their parents.  It is not my job to judge these people. They were fallen people doing their best to make their way in a fallen world. They were dealing with financial problems, career challenges, church responsibilities, sickness, and death.  They made mistakes and some of those mistakes were very serious with long term consequences. The same things can be said of my husband’s family. We all hope that progress can be made and that a better future lies ahead for our family in the next generations. Rooting out family dysfunction takes work. It takes humility. It takes asking for help and accepting difficult truths. It takes work to see other points of view and gain understanding beyond the limitations of our own reality. It takes rejecting the need to assign blame, and the courage to take responsibility for the future to make sure that tomorrow is better than yesterday was.  It takes a submission to the Savior and the faith that he can heal relationships and families when we confess and forsake harmful traditions and patterns of behavior. As I trust in him and the sources of healing he has guided me to, my confidence begins to strengthen. My emotional disabilities were and are a blessing. They have led me to seek help and knowledge that has lifted my life.

Like my family narrative, my political narrative has been dashed. I’ve had to accept the reality that the Republican party was far less good than I thought it was.  It is far less rational and compassionate than I thought it was. It is far less committed to spreading freedom around the world and to constitutional principles than I thought it was.  The reality is, I chose to see the Republican party as I wanted it to be and not as it truly was. Otherwise I would have recognized the warning signs long ago.

The kind of people with the character and vision to create a country of peace and prosperity that can serve as a light on a hill have never been common.  Even in the best times of our country’s history there has been turmoil, polarization, and even serious systematic injustice. There is only ever a small percentage of rational, compassionate, moral individuals who make difficult right choices against their own self interest.  Civilization relies on those people. Every new generation of Americans has had the opportunity to more perfectly realize the American dream; to create and exemplify the best of what is within us; to promote and reward and elevate as leaders those who show a commitment to the values we all hold dear.  I’m afraid this generation is failing and I fear that our failure will have devastating consequences. When the wicked rule, the people mourn.  

Even as I see so many troubling trends; as I see Satan’s power growing and his influence blanketing the Earth; I also see God’s hand.  I talked to a friend today who is going through a terrible ordeal. She has done tremendously hard things in the last six months and has faced opposition that dwarfs the imagination.  I have seen the hand of God moving in her life. I have seen friends come to her when needed. People have come together to serve and have been blessed. There have been times when I was discouraged and didn’t know how it was going to work out, but the Lord was there.  He was enough. It has been difficult. It has required a network of people willing to give and sacrifice. Miracles happen. The Savior and those who work in his name rarely make the headlines, but their influence is real and powerful.

Where there is great evil, there is also great good to balance it.  As long as there are Americans who are willing to stand with courage and faith, it will be enough.  The Lord will make it enough. There are difficult truths to face and tough problems to solve, but I believe we can do it.  We will survive the Trump Presidency and the tumult created by new technology. We will weather the storm of right wing populism and authoritarian ideology.  We can and we will rise to the occasion of this turbulent moment in history. We can unite behind common values and principles and reject political, ethnic, religious, and economic divisions. We can choose to change course and vote for those who can be trusted with power; people our children can look to as role models.  We can right the wrongs of the past and choose a better future as a nation. As I pray for my nation today and in the weeks that come, I pray that the Savior of mankind will have mercy upon us and help us to see the path forward. I pray that eyes will be opened, partisan and political concerns will be set aside, and that the elected representatives of the country will guide us away from the disastrous place in which we have found ourselves. 

It had been almost a month since the Facebook conflict happened that resulted in my Mom and I not speaking before we finally talked things out. I had unblocked my mom’s phone and reached out to her. After a few days, I got the response. She wanted to talk. Thanksgiving was coming up and I knew Mom was hurting. Like every Mom, you have dreams of your adult children and their families coming together during the holidays to celebrate. My older sister and I have struggled with mental health and my parents’ denial has complicated everything. It has been four years since Mom and Dad were cut off from my sister and her children. After a year of trying to make things work with them, this conflict had been the tipping point for me. I needed to do as my therapist suggested and build an emotional wall with them. I had seen how much pain it had caused my parent’s to be cut off from their grandchildren. I was determined to foster the bond between my children and their grandparents, but I would be emotionally distant and aloof in order to protect myself. That was the best outcome.

Sometimes family members are never going to be who you want or need them to be. That’s a hard reality to face. Sometimes we keep going back to the same relationships expecting something that will never happen. That dependence can hold you back. Sometimes the best thing you can do is accept the reality that the other person is who they are and that you have to love them that way while keeping yourself safe and protected. I was ready to do that with my parents, but I wondered if maybe, just maybe, they were willing and able to try for something more.

Family systems can be so hard to change. One person starts growing and then everyone else pulls them back into old patterns. It takes the force of a rocket to overcome the gravity of a family system. Still, if I have changed, couldn’t they change too? What would happen if I gave it a chance?

I suggested family therapy to my mom. She agreed to it. Both my mom and my dad conferenced in with my therapist two weeks ago. We’ve only had one session, but the fact that they were willing to do a session was such a big step. I’m hoping that with the counselor’s help, we can meet each other’s needs better and understand more about the realities of our family’s mental health challenges. Once our relationship is on solid ground, I want to reach out to my sister and try earn her trust again.

For the first time in a long time, I can picture a Thanksgiving dinner with all of us together. Maybe not next year. Maybe not the next year. But someday. If we are willing to put in the work, the Lord will make it happen.

I was so encouraged and optimistic about the situation with my parents, I was discouraged that things weren’t getting better with church. It had been a whole month since I had attended sacrament meeting. The Sunday before Thanksgiving I couldn’t even go into the building. I wasn’t able to teach my primary class. I was devastated.

I journalled and I processed and I analysed my dreams and I figured out what was holding me back. I wasn’t standing up for myself. There have been some really horrible things that members of the church have said and done to me over the last six months. That’s not about me. That’s not my depression. That’s not my lack of faith. That’s not my fault. It’s not about me being sick or broken, it’s about other people being ignorant and unfair. I wanted to make sure that my leaders understood that the things that had been said and done to me were wrong. Wrong. If I came back to church it wouldn’t be me coming back for another helping of hurt; it would be me coming back to fight another day. I was going to show people that I’m not gone. They haven’t driven me out or shut me up.

So I texted my bishop and he came over. I stuck up for myself. I tried to explain guilt and shame and the changes I am trying to make to be kind to myself and how church has been unhelpful and reinforcing harmful messages. In the end, I don’t know how much of it he understood, but the fact that I said what I needed to say and he listened respectfully was a huge win.

I went back to church yesterday. It was fast and testimony meeting and I was the first one to the stand. I can’t remember what I said, but I talked how I hadn’t been to church for a while. I said I was grateful that Bishop listened to me without judgement and that it made all the difference for me. I talked about feeling like there was a place for me in sacrament meeting sitting next to my family and that there is a place on the covenant path for all of God’s children no matter what they have done or not done. I felt the truth of those words.

As for those who judge me, go right ahead. Just don’t expect me to agree with you because that isn’t going to happen anymore. A woman I admire greatly has been open about her mental health struggles. She has been a tremendous force for good as she has raised awareness and supported so many. She posted her own experience today about having her motives questioned and her character attacked by multiple people.  Some feel threatened by what they don’t understand. They see people who are standing up against mental health stigma and refusing to be dutifully ashamed of things that aren’t their fault.  They see the strength and power of authentic relationships that form when we choose vulnerability and authenticity. They see that and they don’t understand it. It’s scary and unexpected.  Some people react by lashing out against it. It isn’t personal, it’s just the expression of their inability to cope with the feelings they are experiencing in reaction to their own fears. Still, this kind of thing can be so painful when you already have tendencies toward being self-critical. Her pain galvanizes me. I will raise my voice with hers. We will not be silent.

There is hope. People can change. Wards can change. Families can change. We can exercise our courage and faith to help make those changes happen. We are on the verge of major breakthroughs on mental health in our society. There has never been more awareness. There has never been more interest. The truth is out there and it will change the whole world. Sometimes the Lord is just waiting for someone to speak the truth for it to spread like wildfire. We provide the spark and he will do the rest. He is enough for me and for you.

I watched a friend’s two year old boy today, so I had two little boys.  To wear out their energy, I loaded them up in the van and we went to the park.  It was overcast and a little wet, but warm and we stayed for quite a while. There was a group of ladies at the swings chatting.  They had likely come together and I found myself people watching from the corner of my eye between pushes on the swings. The social world of women is strange to me.  I’m mostly a loner by nature not because I don’t like people, but because casual conversation bores me to death. My mind wanders and then I inevitably do something rude.  

Women are so funny about rudeness.  I know I am often rude. The rules of nicety in suburban mom culture are so complex and tedious that even if I did set my mind to learning them, I would not be able to keep them.  If, by some chance, I was able to accomplish such a feat–my children would destroy it by being rude for me. So I just look from the outside, trying to seem sophisticated and aloof, while craving authentic interaction.

The little guy I was watching today is just like my boys.  He doesn’t have much patience for the little kid’s play area.  He quickly headed for the big kid’s playground and made his way fearlessly to the top.  I wandered over to make sure I had my eye on him. He tends to wander. There was another small boy over there, daring to play on the big playground.  His mother was alone. I thought, “I could talk to her. Maybe she feels lonely too.” She had a dog, so I started with that. Petting the dog and asking her questions about breeds and stuff.  

She was very nice, but seemed self conscious and apologetic as our interactions continued.  Was it because of her accent? Was it because of her Mexican style purse? Was it because she felt she didn’t really fit in?  Her son was too active and adventurous, her skin too dark, her dog too excitable perhaps. Her dog started barking at one point and she made much effort to quiet her.  I wish I could have told her that I didn’t care. She was a beautiful dog and all dogs bark sometimes. When I told her her purse was lovely, I wish she could have heard my sincerity.  Perhaps she did. I wish I could have told her that she was okay with me; that I didn’t care if she breast or bottle fed her son, whether she vaccinated him, or if she planned to send him to school or homeschool, that thank you cards are overrated, and that whomever she voted for didn’t matter to me.  I wish she knew that her citizenship status meant nothing to me and that I was glad she was there with her son. I wished that somehow this stranger could know that there are kind people in the world who aren’t looking to judge her. I want to be one of those people.

Instead we went our separate ways.  I looked at the beads in the rotating cylinder as they passed through the holes and sorted themselves.  It seemed to be a metaphor for my feelings at that moment. The beads roll and fall and sort and then everything gets turned around and we do it again.  There seems to be no point or purpose to the movement. Some beads get lucky and fall through the holes. Or maybe the lucky ones are the ones that don’t fall.  

There is no sense to this world.  We humans try to make sense of it, and we fail because it is inherently unfair, unethical, and totally random.  This sounds cynical, but it’s not because I know that this world isn’t where I belong. That’s not cynicism, it’s reality.  I don’t belong with important people looking important and successful. I’m not designed to look like I fit in. Today I found a place for me, with one other woman who was alone with a dog and a little busy boy.  Today I helped a friend watch her son. I shared some hard burdens with someone who really needed it. I made a place, however small, where I could belong and things did make sense for a little while. Was I rude? Probably. I was also kind in the right ways and to the right people and it mattered.

The Lord has said that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and that by small and simple means the Lord doth confound the wise.  The good works that I do matter. The small and simple acts of love and connection make a difference. I can’t heal all the wounds in the world and fix all the problems that face me and the people I love.  I can only live right now in this moment, and do what I can to make the space around me more compassionate. If I have done that, it will be enough.

Carl Jung introduced me to a concept I had never heard of before.  It is “zeitgeist” which is the general mood, direction, and social climate of a large group of people.  In times past we used psychics, witches, prophets, and oracles to divine the zeitgeist and tell us the future.  Now we use polls and we analyse groups of people based on various demographic characteristics; we prognosticate and we conduct studies and then we conduct studies of the studies……and then we still get blindsided by something like Donald Trump.  It just proves that mankind is its own worst enemy. We spend generations building values and societies and institutions and then we cannibalize them. Life can be distilled down to a great Greek tragedy from which there is a depressing inevitability.

As I’ve looked into different graduate school programs and degrees, I know what I will need to do.  I will need to be able to read research studies, evaluate data, and then try to say something about it, hopefully something that will make my professors happy so that I can pay my money, graduate, and get my paper that says I learned something.  Science and educational hierarchy is part of the zeitgeist of secular humanism. It’s foundational to the university experience. This zeitgeist is fueled by unseen forces that are poorly understood by us simple mortals who are swept up in its wake.  The secular humanism zeitgeist drives the idea that all things can be learned by scientific inquiry and observation. Grants, scholarships, studies, peer reviewed journals, and the entire elaborate structure of what we collectively “know” is fueled mostly by this zeitgeist.  As individuals, we jump through the hoops and play the game and squeeze out a place for ourselves among our fellows. We get our degrees, take our place in the social fabric, and even if we are somewhat cynical about the ivory towers of intellectualism, we give them their grudging due.  Because, In spite of everything, this zeitgeist has served us fairly well. We have a stable educational system that is largely operated in good faith. We make progress, but this zeitgeist is vulnerable to another powerful zeitgeist; that of right-wing authoritarianism. The right-wing authoritarian zeitgeist hoists itself up by exploiting the inherent instability of man’s wisdom and his tendency to simplify complex things and defy authority based on reason in favor of authority based on raw force.  It’s ironic to me that a mere five years after the movie Avatar was released, the exact conflict it explored has played itself out on the political stage; the conflict between the zeitgeist of secular humanism and the zeitgeist of right wing authoritarianism.  Art in fiction can reveal important unconscious realities and I think Avatar, Star Wars, and Harry Potter have all captivated our collective consciousness because these epic tales tell us truths about ourselves that we are unable to be fully conscious of as individuals.  In this blog post, I want to explore Avatar.  

The conflict of the film is personified in two main characters.  First, Grace Augustine represents the secular humanist zeitgeist.  She is almost comical in her zeal for knowledge while looking in all the wrong places.  She takes samples and analyses them and keeps getting the same kind of students from the same places and doing the same things and trying to get different results.  She is shut out of the Navi community because of the cruel and foolish decisions of other “jar people,” who are named for the glass masks they must use to breathe on the planet.  She is using her method of finding truth, and yet it is painstakingly slow and inefficient. She becomes increasingly frustrated until Jake Sully comes to the research team. Outcast and alone as a former soldier and parapalgic, Sully comes to Pandora, gets a new native body and a new life.  He is brimming with energy and impulsivity. He is woefully ignorant and vulnerable, but he becomes the key to unlocking real progress in understanding Pandora and its native populations. When she does finally approach the truth about Ewya, the mysterious force the fuels and connects and provides life and energy to the Navi, she tries to share it with others.  She is rejected and mocked by those who have funded and supported her research. They never wanted to know, only to exploit, and to them her knowledge is of no value.  Their cruelty and ignorance destroy within days everything she has worked for decades to build.  There are obvious parallels here in the time of Trump.

Grace is a cautionary character for us.  If Grace is a symbol of the secular humanist zeitgiest of civilized America, what can we learn from her?  Grace had two problems. One was, her hubris. She looked down on the security forces on Pandora. She treats Sully with contempt when he arrives and she exhibits the same kind of bigotry she wants to eliminate by studying and connecting with the Pandora natives.  It is only when he is able to make the contacts she couldn’t that she begins to soften toward him. As her relationship with Sully improves, she sees that he is not only useful, but a good person with empathy and compassion. If she had put more energy into cultivating meaningful relationships with the “jar clan” as the humans are referred to, she would have been better able to inspire compassion and empathy toward her research and the natives she advocated for.  How many soldiers had she despised and disregarded? How many had she labelled and cast aside as being unworthy of her time who may have been good and decent men at heart, or at least had those seeds within them, as Jake Sully did. What might have happened if she had taken the time to build more alliances within the jar clan? She would likely have never been popular with the soldiers, but perhaps enough seeds of doubt and independent thought might have protected them from the destructive and seductive messages of the authoritarian zeitgeist.  A revolt within the security force of the jar clan may have prevented much destruction and devastation among the Navi. It may have moderated the leadership of the jar clan and made coexistence more possible.

Grace failed to see the value in people who didn’t hold advanced degrees or have vast stores of knowledge.  Every person has a valuable perspective and experience. Most people are capable of empathy and compassion toward other creatures if that empathy is cultivated through human connection.  When we dismiss and weed out and form exclusive clubs based on talent or ability, we miss out on the connections we can make that can improve our research and deepen our understanding of the world we live in as well as sow seeds of empathy among diverse groups.  The more people we throw away or dismiss as not able to contribute, the more resentment we create and the more we find our vast stores of knowledge are lacking valuable perspectives. Those who are excluded feel angry and afraid, ready to lash out at those who have marginalized them.  The authoritarian zeitgeist is extremely seductive to these people.

America and other multicultural western nations, fueled by the secular humanist zeitgeist, have gone to great lengths to include various minorities into the fabric of our cultures and it has improved our racial harmony.  Before the rise of Donald Trump, I think we thought the secular humanist zeigeist was leading us to progress and harmony among the different factions. The problem is, we have, as Grace did, neglected to reach out to some people, choosing instead to devalue and dismiss them.  These people have fallen prey to the right-wing authoritarian zeitgeist. The problem with living within a group is, you don’t see the people who are not there. Those who feel marginalized and excluded lie in the shadows unseen until they are seen and exploited by an authoritarian zeitgeist spasm of raw destructive power.

In Grace’s defense, she was in a tough position dealing with real issues like funding, equipment, and training researchers, and some of the men she was dealing with were arrogant jerks who lacked the fundamental qualities of empathy and honor. These men always exist in any society.  It is only when they are given large amounts of power that it becomes problematic, as it did on Pandora.  

The character of Miles Quarich, or simply, the colonel, is a symbol of the right wing authoritarian zeitgiest.  He uses tough guy, no nonsense, simplicity to gain power. He is not a complicated man ideologically. He is not burdened by ideals or moral codes.  He is ruthlessly pragmatic and values loyalty above all else. His lack of intellectual curiosity and determination to approach problems with the same destructively combative approach is only dangerous because he is enabled by others who provide him with powerful weapons his kind could have never created.  Authoritarians and their minions tend to lack imagination or ingenuity. It is squashed out of them. Right wing authoritarianism is a primitive state of mind that is driven by fear and blind tribal loyalty. It is a powerful zeitgiest that has swept up many people in the past decade. Populist nationalism led by authoritarians like Putin, Trump, Erdogan, Ordan, Bolosonaro, Jinping, and others is on the rise.  These authoritarians use the tools the secular humanist advances have created to exploit and enslave their creators. It is a difficult zeitgeist to fight. Let’s go back to Grace and see what else we can learn.

The secular humanist zeitgiest has a linear, systematic, and low risk approach to learning. This is demonstrated by Grace when she arrives with Sully in the forest at the first of the film, she immediately begins instructing one of the researchers about a certain plant.  She and the other researcher squat down hovering over the plant. This symbolizes to me the scientific silo. Scientists are sometimes so narrowly focused on a small field of study that they fail to see the larger world. Jake Sully, in contrast, impulsively wanders into the forest, taking in everything.  He drinks the sights, sounds, and smells in holistically and takes risks to learn more. It almost gets him killed, but his impulsivity and curiosity is rewarded greatly in the end. Ironically, Sully’s approach to life and lack of knowledge make him relatable to the natives. The spiritual leader of the tribe confides her frustration with the jar clan.  She says profoundly, “You cannot fill a cup that is already full.” Sully was able to learn much more about the Navi than Grace did until at the very end when at last she sees Eywa as she takes her last breath beneath the tree of souls.

We can learn from the character of Grace as we approach the cataclysmic conflict to come.  As the two zeitgiest forces of secular humanism and right wing authoritarianism inevitably collide, like a cold front meets a warm front, the coming storm will be severe.  The rational people who want to make peace and serve as a bridge between the two sides will surely be battered and abused by both. Like Sully, we may find ourselves banished and exiled, rejected as traitors by both sides.  We may feel despair as we look at the devastation and suffering around us. But if we keep persevering, we can harness the force that will unify us.  

In Avatar that force was a powerful spiritual symbol, the Toruk, the majestic flying dragon-like creature.  Sully uses his gut instinct and a clever idea to ensnare the beast. Afterward he was able to use this symbolic beast to unite the native clans, expel the invading jar clan along with the destructive authoritarian zeitgeist, and bring peace to the planet.  I’m not sure what our unifying force will be. I’m waiting on the Lord to provide what we need when we need it. In the meantime, I am preparing for the storm.

First, I’m trying to cultivate humility.  It’s so hard not to take offense when people dismiss my perspective, minimize my pain, and disown me because I am different.  I want to return hurt for hurt. I want to cut off and hate because that is my natural reaction. I want to caricature those who hurt me because its harder to see the reality; they aren’t bad people, they just don’t like me and my message.  They are valuable human beings, they just don’t understand and they may never understand.  

Second, I’m finding Eywa.  I’m taking risks and I’m jumping in with both feet.  I’m daring to tromp into the forest with eyes, ears, and heart open.  I’m climbing those mountains and facing those demons. I know I’m not one of either tribe, but that’s what makes me powerful.  That’s what gives me the chance to be the bridge and the peacemaker. With love in my heart for everyone, I can harness the power I need to be who my Savior needs me to be.  

I can drain my cup and fill it again.  I can re-learn how to trust again. I can re-learn how to reach out and love again.  Building up a layer of protective anger, cynicism and hostility will only create more.  I can shed the protective layers and reach out again. Maybe not today or tomorrow. The spirit still warns me to protect myself; not with anger and fear, but with prudence.  There is a time to speak and a time to listen. A time to reflect and a time to fight. A time to build strength and a time to wield it. The spirit will give me the wisdom to know and I will trust in his endless omniscience.

I just turned off the T.V. after watching the first installment of the public impeachment hearings. I didn’t watch all of it, only the last hour or so. I can only deal with so much of it since it causes me great anxiety. What I saw were many powerful and influential people putting on some kind of a show trial to a jury who have already made up their minds about the verdict.

I saw two consummate professionals who spent the entire time trying to avoid being smeared and discredited by one political party or flattered and used by the other. As I usually do in these public hearings, I felt most sympathetic to those being questioned and having their characters and motivations assaulted. I consider Bill Taylor a patriot. If I had been in his position, I hope I would have conducted myself with the same amount of honor and good faith. The Trump administration has put many patriots and men and women of honor in impossibly complex moral quandaries forcing them to choose between their careers and doing what is right; between the comfort of anonymity, and the unnerving spotlight of public scrutiny. When the difficult decisions had to be made, Bill Taylor did the right thing.

Although the last three years have been a time of profound disappointment as people like Nikki Haley, Marco Rubio, and Lindsey Graham have compromised their integrity in defense of this President, there are others who have shown their character in standing in defense of our country. Adam Schiff was the model of composure and decorum as he directed the hearings today. He has done the country a service by bringing the misdeeds of our President to the light of day. There were several Republicans who managed to avoid ad hominem attacks and stick to the important facts. A woman representing New York impressed me. She conducted a well executed line of questioning drawing attention to the support and aide that the Trump administration has given to Ukraine. Many of her other Republican colleagues were not so professional. To say I was disappointed in them would be a massive understatement.

It is one thing to question a witness’s recollections or even bring to light important character considerations that might effect whether or not they are credible. It is another thing, as Representative Chris Stewart from Utah did, to dismiss their witness as an expression of opinion with vindictive motive. He also referred to a constitutionally sanctioned and credibly warranted impeachment inquiry as an attempted coup. Such language from a member of the House of Representatives before the American people is inappropriate and dangerous. He is a member of my church and former missionary to Texas. He shares my alma mater, Utah State University. To see a man of such accomplishment and standing engage in such behavior sickens me. It makes me fear greatly for the future of our country. If men like Chris Stewart will abase themselves in this way to defend the indefensible, what hope do we have?

America, the world is watching. America, today your representatives spoke of the unending battle the Ukrainians have been fighting against corruption. Do you not see that we are fighting the same monsters at home? Do you not see that we are vulnerable to the same propaganda tactics that Putin has been using on Ukraine for many years? Why do you ignore and dismiss the free press who tries to warn you? Why do you resort to entertainment news instead of seeking to be educated and informed? Why do you label your friends as enemies and your enemies as friends?

America has too many grifters where she needs patriots. America has too many partisans where she needs statesmen. America has too many pundits when she needs journalists. Each one of us needs to ask ourselves the question, What will we do in 2019 to save our country?

What will you do to save America? What will you do to build a bridge with someone who believes differently than you? What will you do to support human rights and freedom abroad? What will you do to support the men and women who are trying to serve America while managing a corrupt and incompetent President whom WE elected? May I make a few suggestions?

First, question the narratives. In our modern time we have seen the rise of the entertainment/news media. I don’t have T.V. so I don’t watch it myself. I get my news from print media like Washing Post, Miami Herald, the New Yorker, the Atlantic, and others. I find that even if the author has a different political view, I can still learn from what they have to say. Twitter feeds, podcasts and some CBS and NBC streamed from my Roku device fill in the rest. In diversifying my sources of news, including both conservative and liberal perspectives, I feel I have a good grasp of what is happening in 2019. Sometimes what I read is uncomfortable. Sometimes it conflicts with my reality. That’s okay, that means I’m learning! I construct my own narrative. It may be flawed and certainly has bias, but at least it isn’t constructed by a meganews network. Contrast that to someone who only watches CNN or Fox News or MSNBC for their news. The narratives are crafted for them on the screen. Like a greasy fast food hamburger, its fast cheap and easy. You can feel informed while exerting little effort and making almost no decisions about what issues to focus on or whose voice is worth listening to. You cheer for your team and boo their enemies. You don’t really have to question your views because the network you choose agrees with you on everything. They put on token opposition which is deftly and swiftly refuted like a choreographed scene from a Marvel movie. You are written in as the hero of the national drama pitted against the evil opposition responsible for all the problems in the country. It feels good, but it isn’t real. Reject the narratives.

Second, engage in meaningful debate. My friend posted on Facebook about an experience he had in the state legislature witnessing a debate about nuclear fuel. He observed that often our opinions are not as firmly rooted in fact as we think until we are faced with hard questions from someone who believes differently. I second that observation. So much of what I believe is based in what I have been told and accepted as truth without real scrutiny. The political opinions we hold are crafted out of millions of observations, judgements, and assumptions. No one has an unbiased opinion based solely in facts. We are sculpted by our biology, our environment, and our choices. Debates, when respectful and measured, can benefit both sides. Often we avoid discussing political subjects because we are unconsciously afraid our views will be poorly represented either because of a lack of skill and articulation or a lack of substance. That’s unfortunate because a robustly informed citizenry is essential to our health as a republic and debate is really the only way to do it. The truth is, everyone’s perspective is important in a republic. We all need to speak and listen to one another for our society to function properly. I will continue to speak to and listen to others who are willing to discuss politics respectfully. I commit to question and reflect on my views with humility.

Third, come closer to God. I firmly believe that only God can bring people together. As we seek his spirit, we come in harmony with our fellows on this Earth. I don’t understand it, I just see it. When I notice a lot of fighting in my home, or discord in my marriage, most often it is because we are far from God. When we make adjustments to prioritize our relationship with Him, we have less conflict. There is something about the simple act of appealing to and connecting with a higher power that is more effective than anything else at resolving human differences. Religion, when based in the spiritual connection with deity, can be a unifying force for good. When it is tribalized and politicized, religion can be divisive and harmful. We need more of the first kind. It is not easy to cultivate an authentic relationship with God. We cannot hide our warts from him. An impressive show of competence and confidence will not impress Him. He has no use for fancy clothes or important titles. His gaze pierces the armor of the soul to the very core. His judgement is keenly accurate and cannot be deflected or deceived. In His powerful presence, human pride wilts and quickly dies. Perhaps that is why it unifies us, as pride is the source of enmity. God’s power and majesty dwarfs our abilities to such an extent that our works are nothing to Him. We are as babies drooling on the floor; loved not for our accomplishments but for our potential.

So those three things are what I will commit to do to save our country. I refuse to give up hope that we can rise above this moment of division and corruption. There is still much good in this nation and many people of good will who have yet to see that the solutions to our problems are within our power to solve if we set aside our differences and just work together.