Author: Broken Handmaid of the Lord

I talked to my bishop yesterday about some of this stuff. The whole ward is kind of upset by everything that happened Sunday, and that’s understandable. A ward is like a big family, it can be pretty dysfunctional at times. He said something that has stuck in my mind. I don’t remember exactly what he said but it was something like, “We are all really imperfect people, and we all make mistakes and hurt each other, but we can work it out. That’s what makes us saints.”

So this post is my good faith attempt to clarify my experience on Sunday and be a saint. I want to work things out with my ward family.

My experience on Sunday is mine. It is what is sometimes called, “My truth,” which includes my intentions, my feelings, my perceptions, etc. It is not the whole truth, which only God sees. Each of us sees a situation from our own perspective and that means everyone has a different view of what actually took place. I respect the right of others to have a different view.

I walked into Relief Society and took a seat on the back row. The lesson was disturbing to me on many levels. As I considered the way the discussion was handled and the attitude toward things like science which seemed to me was lumped in with the philosophies of men. It seemed that the Family Proclamation was being held up as the ultimate source of truth and that any evidence challenging anything in the proclamation from whatever source should be considered suspect. The whole discussion made me feel frustrated and brought up a lot of the same confusions I’ve felt in the past. I decided to disengage. I thought of getting out a notebook and writing. Then I had a thought about my friend and my experience with her. I thought, “That is just what this discussion needs. A personal experience that can really get to the heart of this.” Then I hesitated. It would be like throwing a hand grenade into the room. The teacher was clearly hostile to any ideas that would contradict the narrative she was pushing, which I gathered was, “The prophets have all the answers. They are in the Proclamation. Anything else is from Satan.” Then I had a clear feeling. A prompt. “You need to say this. There are people in this room that need to hear it.” So I raised my hand.

My eyes met with hers for a moment, and I could tell that she was ready to be done. There were two other hands up. I said a quick prayer in my heart that if he really wanted me to give this message, that she would call on me and that her heart would be softened to accept what I had to say. As the moments ticked by and she called on every possible person in the room, she said, “Yes, Bridgette. Make it quick, we are out of time.” I was flustered. How could I make it quick? My mind raced through the incredibly painful and life changing experience I had helping my friend through her struggles with these issues. Seeing the pain in her face as she told me she had missed choir because she had been in inpatient psychiatric treatment, of the depth of her testimony and the heart-rending truth that life in the church was going to be difficult if not impossible for her. My voice faltered a bit at first, but then the prompt came again. “You say this, and you make sure this message is heard.” I tried to be quick. I had only told the bare facts of the story in a rush, and I heard her say, “Okay, we’re done.” I stopped, stunned. I had hardly said anything. I spoke up again, a pleading in my voice. “I just would really like to finish my thought. I just wanted to say that-,” and then she interrupted me and started talking again. Louder. I felt driven to speak. I had to say what I said next. I said, firmly, “We don’t know everything. That’s okay. All I know for sure is that Jesus loves her,” my voice cracked as I thought of how much love He has for my friend, and for me, and for each precious soul that faces these issues and suffers misunderstood. “He has a path for her. That’s all I have to say.” And then I started crying. And crying. I said softly, “This is why I don’t come to Relief Society. I’m never coming back.”

There were a couple of comments after I spoke. I didn’t hear them. I heard the children in the halls. Primary was over. All I wanted to do was get out of that room. People were coming up to me. They were comforting me. Some were angry at how I had been treated. Some were touched by the story of my friend. I was surprised at how much it resonated with them. I had hardly told the story well. Maybe the spirit had told them what I could not. I wiped my tears, gave hugs, and listened to heartfelt comments of support. Then, I made a beeline for the first exit I could find that I could get to my car. I saw another couple of sisters. I gave them hugs and we talked for a minute. Then she walked up. Our eyes met again. She gave me a hug. I wanted to think that she was sorry for how she had treated me. I nodded along as she made her excuses of time and children. I wanted to believe them. But I didn’t.

It wasn’t the time that was the problem. I sense that either it was me, or my message that primarily caused her reaction. I took comfort in the realization that although I wasn’t able to share my friend’s story well in Relief Society, I could share it on my blog. Also, I could explore some of my feelings about grace and the tendency of church members to gravitate toward works. When I got home, it felt so good to explore on my blog, what I didn’t feel able to do in that class. The way I felt trapped and confused in Relief Society gave way to feelings of peace and acceptance for what happened to me and my friend.

I was humiliated. I was shouted down. I was treated badly by someone called to serve and love me. That’s part of this life. It hurts. But in this world, that’s what happens. I’m just the broken handmaid of the Lord. Look what they did to Him! He was a lot more perfect than I am. It’s not really that surprising, even if it is profoundly disappointing.

This whole thing has been a roller coaster of emotions. I put this post out there to lay to rest any confusion about my comment in Relief Society being somehow motivated by a desire to sabotage the lesson or purposefully make anyone look bad. Anyone who knows me knows that that isn’t me.

This morning I’ve been thinking about how much division this has revealed in our ward family. I don’t think that my comment or even the horrible way it was handled is the root of the problems we face. The good news is, I don’t have to fix those problems.

This morning as I snuggled with Austin, I thought, it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks of me. It doesn’t matter if they gaslight me and blame me for what happened. I have my husband and my children and my Jesus. Worst case scenerio, I can take a break from church for a while. Maybe I could even get permission to change wards. I could go to a ward in North Arlington. A ward outside of the affluent suburbs, well manicured lawns, and privileged lives. Somewhere where people are hurting and can empathize with a tortured soul like me. I could sing in their sacrament meetings, and bare my testimony for them. Maybe I could find acceptance and love instead of shame.

All I know is that I will never stop blogging. I will never stop speaking when I feel there is something I need to say. I just need to find a place where I can speak safely.

As I make these difficult decisions, I ask for some space. I’m not going to be on Facebook for a while. I probably won’t be posting on my blog or responding to comments. My son has been neglected for several days as I’ve written and cried, and laughed and celebrated. He doesn’t deserve that. He needs his mom, and I need a break from all the drama.

Please pray for me. Pray for my ward family. I’ll be praying too. Miracles can happen. Hearts can change. The Savior has a design. Sometimes there are Gethsemanes before there is a resurrection.

The last few days have been full of ups and downs. I got to talk to my counselor tonight about all of them. She was amazed at how strong I was; how smart, how cool headed, and how compassionate I was through all the hurt and all the pain. I told her thank you, and she said, “You are doing all the hard work here.” She’s right. I’ve been changing myself. Its hard to change, but it’s so worth the effort.

Finding my voice online has been so empowering. Surrounding myself with supportive friends has helped me do things I never thought I could do. Strangely, taking on my online persona of the Handmaid of the Lord has helped me be more like him. Whether saying something uncomfortable in church that makes people think, or standing up for someone who needs support, that is what the Savior did. I can do it too.

Each person, no matter where they are can change the world around them. It just takes a little courage, and a lot of therapy! A blog also helps…..

I’m so thankful to everyone who has shown me love through my suffering right now. Each one of you has helped me more than you know. My heartfelt prayers tonight will praise you. You are my angels.

To those who don’t understand. That’s okay. We can figure it out. We are all on the same team. Satan is the enemy, not our brothers and sisters. We are here to help one another.

Mostly, praise be to the Master! He is the designer of my recovery; the sculptor of my future self. May I ever be his instrument to lift and inspire. Love to all, malice to none.

I’ve been in the news and on Twitter obsessively for a couple of days now. The Mueller letter to Barr was published by the New York Times and the Washington Post and since then, I have been able to think about little else but the danger my country is in. Right now my hands are white from a Raynauds attack that I suspect is only partly due to the cooler weather today. I feel like some weird radio that picks up the frequency of disaster and then I have to write about it.

After reading numerous reports and watching many cable news programs, I have processed a few thoughts.

The ship of state has been sailing along for the past hundred years or so with few problems within. The Civil War was over, the only wars we fought in were far from our mainland. We had economic problems, and world wars, and the cold war, along with several world peace/stability proxy wars like Korea and Vietnam, but for the most part, we have been prosperous and safe. As we have charted our course through the calm waters, we have become more and more secular, more and more urban, more and more disconnected from the Earth, more and more dependent on one another and less dependent upon God. The result has been the rise of several modern trends.

First, the trend of environmentalism which is, at its heart, the instinctual reaction of people to the danger of mankind disconnected from the Earth. The Earth teaches us the law of the harvest, the law of increasing returns, the value of hard work, and so much more. As large percentages of our populations move to urban centers we loose the roots that bind us to the Earth and in a spiritual sense, to God. Environmentalism is one way moderns have tried to mitigate the damage of this disconnect. Unfortunately, in its more extreme forms, environmentalism becomes orthodoxy, or like a religion, with zealous advocates that insist upon widespread adoption of strict rules and regulations. The movement is largely political and social, and doesn’t recognize the profoundly spiritual needs that fuel the fervor. Because of this secular and social focus, the movement has alienated, ironically, those who are not urbanized city dwellers, but the rural communities who are not a part of urbanization and are therefore immune to the forces that created the movement. They don’t see the need for environmental concern because they are still connected to the soil.

Second, secularization of society as a result of increased diversity. When there is a great deal of religious diversity, the easy and lazy approach to getting along is secularism. We just don’t talk about our differences. We don’t pray in schools, we don’t put religious symbols in our courtrooms or city halls, we keep a wall of separation between church and state. The problem with this approach, as we are seeing, is that religion is the fertilizer in the orchard of public morality. Without the essential rituals and reminders of religion, as a society we drift ever further from the principles of morality which make society possible. The breakdown of norms in the executive branch is clear evidence that the moral fabric of the nation is unraveling. George Washington in his farewell address was right. Religion is an indispensable support to morality in a society. So secularism, while an easy solution to the dilemma of religious diversity, is unsustainable.

If we are to survive, we must become a religious society that is able to tolerate a large diversity of perspectives. This means eschewing divisive orthodoxy, stripping down of false doctrines, and forcing ourselves to see the world from the viewpoint of someone dramatically different. We must make room in our public spaces for all religious expression. We must form a new faith in which we take all the spiritual knowledge of all different faiths and put it in the marketplace of ideas. It is not so different from science. Scientists from all over the globe share ideas and insights and research. Why should it be different spiritually? It is time to cast out fear and orthodoxy and begin experimenting on the word. If we believe our religion to be of value, we should be willing to share it. If we know that we don’t comprehend the eternal nature of God and his complicated relationship with all his children, and anyone with a smidgen of humility should know that- then we should be willing to admit that we could benefit from the study of other faiths.

Third, the creation of the two party system. The two party system has evolved over time as the most efficient way to govern. The parties have created caucuses of factions which must compromise with the whole in order to gain seats and influence in the government. This has resulted in two moderate parties, a government with smooth transitions of power, and a remarkably stable system of norms and institutions that serve the public. There have been other benefits to the two party system. An extremely busy society of specialized individuals can simply choose a party and then be alleviated from the inconvenience of having to study each candidate and issue that comes up for a vote. The parties have come to be trusted by Americans who belong to them. At least as trusted as any group with power. We are a rebellious and suspicious people.

Unfortunately, over time the parties have polarized into two vastly different groups of people who, like the builders of babel, hardly speak the same language anymore. We are divided by race, religion, economic status, age, and even geography. In the information age, we have our own separate media to keep us informed. The parties have found that in our modern age of social media, and a large percentage of apathetic and poorly informed voters, that moderate language and compromising policy is politically unpopular. The rise of Donald Trump has shown that a combative style, a bombastic disregard for social norms, and a flippant exaggeration of facts can get you free publicity which can put you head and shoulders above more qualified candidates in a crowded primary contest.

Don’t think for a moment that opportunists of both parties are not taking note of this trend. Donald Trump, although exceptionally shrewd in some things, is remarkably sloppy. His misdeeds, as chronicled in the biographies I have read as well as the Mueller report, have been clumsy and lacking in sophistication. This inspires sympathy in his supporters, but in those with greater skill at deception and a thirst for power, it shines a spotlight on our vulnerabilities and gives them a roadmap for their own tyrannical plans. If Trump had been a little more careful, he may have succeeded in shutting down the Russia investigation and we would not know what we do now. The shrewd would-be tyrant will learn from his mistakes.

The parties increasingly have no interest in E Pluribus Unum. They don’t want to unite with the other other party to become one nation, all they need is a passionate and energized 15%. Then the other 35% of more moderate party members will go along to get along. The facts aren’t as important as the passion that gives a shared sense of identity and purpose. The party is your family, your tribe, your identity. I didn’t realize how important my identity as a conservative and a Republican was to me until I lost it. I feel as though I have been banished. I have no country living in a country where party is all that matters.

And so we have two parties that have two diametrically opposed narratives that are ironically the mirror image of one another. The first is the traditional one. This one is supported by the institutions of federal law enforcement, the traditional news media, and most Americans who have not completely lost faith in our system. This narrative is that a dark horse candidate, Donald Trump, rose above the primary contenders in 2015 to snatch a major party nomination in spite of having no qualifications or experience in public office. That hostile foreign players, primarily Russia, actively supported his candidacy and enabled its rise. That the Trump campaign had several suspicious contacts with Russian nationals that aroused the suspicion and concern of federal law enforcement which then opened a counter-intelligence investigation into the campaign. After Donald Trump was elected President and sworn into office, he believed that he could stop the investigation which he feared would be problematic for his Presidency. He took bold measures to stop the investigation including firing James Comey who showed an unwillingness to be sufficiently “loyal” to him. This resulted in the appointment of a special counsel. Trump continued to fight against the investigation both publicly and privately, resulting in many legal professionals concluding that he may be guilty of obstruction of justice. Trump appointed an attorney general who he believed would be loyal to him and he has shown that he is willing to lie to congress, withhold parts of the special counsels report from public view while giving favorable impressions about the findings of the investigation, and entertain the most bizarre conspiracy theories the President likes to tweet about.

The other narrative is that during the Obama administration, the justice department was corrupted, and that James Comey and other top FBI officials conspired to bring down the Trump candidacy. These individuals used a deceptive FISA warrant to “spy on” members of the Trump campaign. In spite of their efforts, Trump was elected (because he was the best candidate ever, and could outsmart and beat these nefarious players). Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are apparently the masterminds behind this whole sordid conspiracy to undermine his Presidency. They are the leaders of the “deep state” which is catch-all phrase that defines anyone not gullible enough to see through this narrative. “This was an attempted coup!” Trump insists.

Apologies to anyone who might be offended by my comical take on this. This narrative doesn’t hold up to much scrutiny because it isn’t meant to convince anyone, it is meant to sow reasonable doubt. This is a big show trial, and all Mr. Trump needs to do is sow enough reasonable doubt for him to be acquitted by his large jury. He is betting that people will get cynical and say things like, “All the politicians get help from foreign nations,” or “They are just doing all this because they don’t like him,” or “If a Democrat had done this, it would be no big deal,” or “the mainstream media just hates all conservatives.” If he can get us to say these things, then he and Russia have succeeded in their misinformation campaign. Trump will get away with his crimes, and open the door to future corruption and norm breaking. Before long, we do have a corrupt justice department and a deep state conspiring to destroy the campaigns of their opponents, and succeeding. The very lies we were told become the reality we feared.

That leads me to the final societal trend, which is cynicism. The cynic believes he has no voice, no control, no impact on the world. He doesn’t seek to make society better, because he believes in nothing, least of all his own power or vision. He looks down on those who allow themselves to become emotionally involved in what he sees as beneath him. The scriptures refer to this modern person as one whose heart has turned hard. This individual is able to see the children sleeping under foil blankets at the border and shrug. This individual looks at the possibility of an impeachment of the President as a distraction from healthcare. This person believes that racial, religious, and economic differences are insurmountable, and its everyone for themselves. This person sees moral standards as impediments to power. This person looks at those who fight against incredible obstacles in foreign lands to secure the blessings of freedom that the cynic has enjoyed since birth, and they say, “We don’t need to help you. We have our own problems.” This person is wholly unfit to live in a free society and a free society can only handle so many of these people who act as dead weight dragging everyone down.

The opposite of the cynic is the visionary. The visionary is a person who can look at dark and dangerous times as times for change and opportunities for growth. I love that cable news networks are talking about the constitution and the founders again. I love that we are talking about the importance of truth and accuracy. I love that Democratic congressmen and congresswomen are fierce about taking back their role as overseers of the executive branch. Abraham Lincoln was a visionary. He saw all Americans as valuable, even the ones who hated him and fought against him. He was, at heart, more prone to persuasion than to force. It is what made him a great leader. I love his Gettysburg address. It applies so well to these times, except it’s been a lot more than four score and seven years since our nation was founded. The end seems to shout to me.

“It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they here gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain—that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom, and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.”

Gettysburg Address, Abraham Lincoln

Our battlefield is not Gettysburg, but our fight is just as real and just as important. We must take the path of the visionary, and see our way through these dark times. We can and we must embrace religion with tolerance and the confidence that we can find common ground as we share what we believe with others. We must resist the urge to put our political party above our country. For Republicans right now, that will be hard to do. Right now, America needs people who can do hard things.

America has always been His country. Satan hates her and rails against her because she is the child of his enemy. God created mankind to live in freedom. The spread of constitutional government and government by the people has changed the world for the better. There is no greater thing than to be an American, to be a part of the spread of freedom across the globe. There is nothing more important for Americans to do right now than to rediscover who we are. The Trump supporters understand that we are a nation in decline, but their remedy threatens to destroy everything that ever made her great in the first place. There is a better way. Trump is not the leader of America. He is a usurper. We have but one King, and he is Mighty to Save. He is also always ready to forgive those who confess their sins before Him. It is not to late.

O beautiful for patriot dream
That sees beyond the years
Thine alabaster cities gleam
Undimmed by human tears!
America! America!
God shed His grace on thee
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!

America the Beautiful

I had a fascinating exchange on Twitter yesterday. It started out when “Marine Now” took issue with a friend named Melissa who posted angrily about how her taxes went up. She has to pay a tax bill this year and she is really upset about it. Marine Now, who I’ll call MN for the rest of this post, first questioned the Melissa’s reality and ability to comprehend her own taxes, then pivoted to her choice of her career. She was a “writer” which in his mind clearly showed that her problems with money were due to her “emotional” choice of career. He then posted patronizingly about people like her are always letting their emotions cause problems for them. She replied to him in good faith trying to draw him out. He expanded into a tirade against “Little Suzy” who becomes a social worker because she cares so much and then she can’t pay her student loans. He further revealed himself when he unexpectedly diverted into immigration. Of course, MN was extremely hostile to illegal immigrants. No surprises there, but the fact that he brought it up was particularly telling, as no one on the thread had said anything about immigration. For some reason, taxes, caring people, social workers, writers, and immigration were all connected in this person’s mind.

I engaged with MN for a while and he revealed a few more things about himself and his career in the Marines. His profile pic was stereotypically masculine with buzz cut hair. He liked to talk about how much money he makes and how much taxes he pays. I got the distinct impression he was exaggerating, and I told him as much. He also seemed very concerned that everyone agree that taxes went down and that the country is doing great. In my typically direct Twitter way, I called him on his psychological projection of emotional volatility, saying that it was he and not Melissa that was letting his emotions lead him into assumptions, unrelated issues, and personal attacks. I explained that he was failing to take a rational and dispassionate look at the evidence: Mellissa paid more in taxes this year. The GOP was and is saying there was a tax cut for middle class Americans. She is a middle class American and feels cheated. The fact that MN in fact paid less in taxes while earning more money overall doesn’t change that reality, but does bring more questions to mind about the overall fairness of the tax situation. He was uncomfortable that Melissa’s account was threatening his beliefs about the tax cuts. He needed to own his own feelings and then engage with the facts at hand.

NM was really angry at me by this point. Naturally. His emotional reactiveness in which he was in denial about was then projected onto me. I was now the personification of “Little Suzy” the knowledgable social worker who was married to his friend and likely tried to help him with his possible PTSD or other emotional health issues. Clearly, I was overcome with emotional nonsense and buried in debt. I was this hated individual who was responsible for all his pent up rage, and I am not really a person, just a profile picture, and so he could freely vent his rage at me. He was blocked of course, and I take good care to protect my identity on Twitter. Safety first! Besides, this type of person picks fights wherever he goes. I would be surprised if he hasn’t already made a dozen enemies since breakfast.

The internet is a fascinating place because people who ordinarily don’t engage with their emotions and never express them, seem able to do so from behind the computer screen. We tend to see this as a bad thing, but I’m not sure it is. After all, MN was angry before he engaged with Melissa and I, he just doesn’t understand how to deal with it. Almost certain that he probably hides behind his job and his military career, concealing his rage which he only vents to strangers online. We, not his friends, family, and co-workers see the real man. Whether this venting is actually helpful to him, I don’t know. I do know that talking about emotions is good.

Talking about emotions is terribly healthy. Even when they are only projections. It’s wonderful when we can own our emotions, understand them, and control and manage them in our relationships, but even when we can’t, even when we can only project them, it is better than keeping them inside. For example, I scream at my counselor, “You don’t understand me! You just think I’m crazy like everybody else does. Of course I can go join the circus and make a career as a trapeze artist!! It doesn’t matter that I am out of shape, I have neck problems, and I’m terrified of heights. You just think I’m crazy. I’m going to prove you wrong!” Then I think on what I have said and my counselor says quietly, “I don’t think you’re crazy. Why do YOU think I think you are?” Now we can get somewhere. Suddenly my zeal for the circus life is fading and I come to see the reality that I feel like everyone thinks I’m crazy and incapable of succeeding at my goals. My anger at this injustice is clouding my judgement and sabotaging my efforts. Now that I am self aware of my emotions, I stop projecting them and make more reasonable goals based on my real needs and not on the perception that I need to change other’s opinions of me with a rash career shift to the circus.

Instead, MN and others conditioned in toxic masculinity cannot own emotions, so they project emotion onto everyone else. If they don’t see emotionality in others, they will provoke it with insults or pestering. Once they get the emotional reaction they are looking for, they can then project their emotionality onto the other person and get a little bit of relief from the emotional pain they are in by blaming and shaming the other person, usually a woman, but sometimes a child or a less toxic man. I suspect this parasitic process underlies a lot of unhealthy relationships and will continue to do so until these men allow themselves to feel.

I don’t imagine that my clinical approach to NM will result in his ownership of his own emotional demons. However, my refusal to allow him to provoke me into an emotional response was good. My ability to maintain a sense of compassion and understanding for him even in the face of his cruelty and bitterness shows that although I have my own emotional baggage I am carrying, I am still capable of love and patience with those who refuse to own theirs.

Speaking of emotional baggage and masculine issues, Austin again threw his crib across the room again last night. How does a three year old do that? At least he isn’t suppressing his emotions, right! I hope I can always teach my boys that real men don’t suppress or deny their emotions. Emotions are part of what make us human, and when we use them properly, they can magnify our minds, channel our efforts, and fuel our creativity. Compassion, empathy, understanding, and courage are all virtues that are made possible with understanding and applying the the principles of emotional health, and they were exemplified by the greatest man who ever lived, even Jesus Christ.

As Pilot said, “Behold the Man!” No man who ever lived had more mastery of his emotions than He. He was sensitive as a mother with a sucking child at her breast, and courageous as a soldier in battle in his clashes with Satan. He demonstrated the exalted form of masculinity that transcends the confines of this Telestial world. As we learn of him, as we study ourselves, as we seek to bring His divine form into our own hearts, minds, and bodies, we will become saints in deed. This is my prayer!